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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23480737">Words I Want To Say</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/eleveninetynine/pseuds/eleveninetynine'>eleveninetynine</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>AB6IX (Band), Wanna One (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Coronavirus, Exes, M/M, Midnight writing, Regrets, lol, very short</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-04-04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-04-04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-01 08:00:50</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,917</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23480737</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/eleveninetynine/pseuds/eleveninetynine</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Woojin gets a text from someone he didn't expect</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Park Jihoon &amp; Park Woojin, Park Jihoon/Park Woojin</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>16</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Words I Want To Say</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This was written on the spur of the moment so it might be bad but enjoy i guess?</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Is it possible to feel like your world is crashing down on you when it has already been crushed before? Is it possible to feel like your soul is being stabbed millions of time when it has already left your body?</p><p> </p><p>Apparently it is.</p><p> </p><p>When the one that got away reached out to you saying it’s probably the last he’ll be able to do so.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Hey. It’s me.<br/>How long has it been? 5 years? 6?<br/>Just kidding. It’s been 5 years and 4 months since we last met. Or even talk.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>How are you? I hope that you are always happy and healthy.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Because apparently I’m not.<br/>I’ve got it, Woojin. The virus. My mom, too.<br/>It was confirmed 3 days ago. Me patient 3490 and mom 3498.<br/>I don’t even know where I contracted it. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>I’m scared, Woojin. I really am.<br/>For my mom. And myself.<br/>Sharing this ward with 5 other patients that have the same virus is quite relieving.<br/>We find comfort in each other. Push the fear in the secluded corner in our hearts to stay positive and fight this battle.<br/>But seeing the friend on the bed beside me had to be moved to the ICU crumbles the mask just like that.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I’m scared of the uncertainty of the future. Will I ever have a future?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>So here I am writing this long ass message in the middle of the night to say everything I’ve ever wanted to say, in case I don’t make it.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I think of you a lot, Woojin.<br/>Maybe not on my every wake second but I do. Too much if I may say.<br/>I think of you when I eat good food and bad food.<br/>I think of you when I watch good movies and bad ones.<br/>I think of you when I play console games.<br/>When I take a break from work, when I go shopping for new shoes, when I take Max for a walk.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I think of you now, at this very second.</em>
</p><p><em>I miss you. So, </em>so <em>much.<br/>It doesn’t get easier no matter how much time has passed.</em></p><p>
  <em>I blame myself for our breakup.<br/>Maybe I made a mistake I didn’t know.<br/>Maybe I have a habit that you can’t accept.<br/>Maybe I don’t express myself enough.<br/>Maybe I’m burdening you without realizing. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Sometimes I try to reason with myself that it’s actually you.<br/>It’s your fault for that you’re unable to accept me. It’s your fault for not loving me enough.<br/>I shouldn’t be mad at myself. I should be mad at you.<br/>But no matter how much I try to reason, no matter what I do, I just can’t. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>You are the best, Woojin. I could never ask for more.</em>
</p><p><em>I still regret the day I rejected your suggestion of us remaining friends.<br/>I rejected because I was sure I wouldn’t stand it with us being </em>just friends.<br/><em>But now I know that having no relation to you hurts even more.</em></p><p>
  <em>I want you to know that you made me the happiest man in the world.<br/>The moments with you were the best moments in my life.<br/>You’re still someone precious to me.<br/>It’s still your place, that one special spot in my heart. It wouldn’t budge.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Wow this is getting too long. I hope I didn’t wake you with the continuous pings.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Thank you for everything, Woojin.</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  
</p><p>Woojin doesn’t know at which part he should be shocked first.</p><p> </p><p>The part where his ex-boyfriend who he hasn’t moved on from had suddenly texted him? Or the part where the said ex-boyfriend has become a victim of the pandemic? Or the part where the ex-boyfriend left him something resembling a dying note?</p><p> </p><p>His fingers move to press the call button before he could even think of the answer. He needs hear it. He needs to hear everything with his own ears.</p><p> </p><p>But there isn’t any answer.</p><p> </p><p>He calls again. The ringing tone sounds so much slower than his heartbeat.</p><p> </p><p>No answer.</p><p> </p><p>He calls again. He will call again no matter how many times it takes.</p><p> </p><p>Woojin almost ended the call when a croaky voice answered. “Hello?”</p><p> </p><p>“Hello? Jihoon? Is that you? Are you okay? Why is your voice like that?” Woojin gushes.</p><p> </p><p>“Wait, who—” There was a moment of silence before the voice continues. “Oh… Woojin. Hi.”</p><p> </p><p>“Are you okay? Why do you sound like that?” Woojin repeats.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m fine. I just woke up, that’s why I sound croaky.”</p><p> </p><p>Woojin lets out a big sigh he didn’t know he held.</p><p> </p><p>And then silence fills the void. Woojin may have dialed on impulse but it doesn’t change the fact that they haven’t talked in years. Both of them don’t know what to say.</p><p> </p><p>It is Woojin that breaks the ice first. “How… How are you feeling?”</p><p> </p><p>“I feel fine. I think my fever has gone down so I feel better than yesterday.”</p><p> </p><p>Woojin hears a rustling sound from the other end. And then it was silent again. It is goddamn awkward but Woojin doesn’t want to end the call.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m sorry. You must have been surprise to get that very long message from someone who shouldn’t be contacting you.”</p><p> </p><p>“No, no.” Woojin quickly interrupts. “It’s… It’s fine. I’m glad that you texted me. Though it wasn’t the news I wanted to hear…” Woojin trails off.</p><p> </p><p>“Sorry, Woojin. It was the midnight brain talking.”</p><p> </p><p>It feels so nice to hear Jihoon calls his name after a long time. It sounds perfect. Woojin can see Jihoon’s head hanging down in embarrassment from how soft his voice sounds. He can’t help but form a small smile at the picture.</p><p> </p><p>“Make sure to sleep with the blanket on.” Woojin says.</p><p> </p><p>“Uhh… I try?”</p><p> </p><p>Woojin shakes his head. “Jihoon…” It feels somewhat foreign but familiar the way Jihoon’s name rolls off his tongue.</p><p> </p><p>“Hey, it’s not my fault that I unconsciously kick it away in my sleep.”</p><p> </p><p>Woojin chuckles softly. It’s really nice to hear Jihoon’s lively voice. Until reality hits.</p><p> </p><p>“How’s the food there?”</p><p> </p><p>“It’s actually better than I thought. Though it’s nothing lavish but they’re nice. Gives us some comfort while being here—”</p><p> </p><p>“What do you usually do there?”</p><p> </p><p>“Well, there’s nothing much to do here. We can’t go out so we just have fun by ourselves like telling stories of our life or playing games. Something to distract us from thinking too mu—”</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah, of course. It must be fun to have friends with you. Did it take a long time for you to make friends with them? You were always so shy with new people.”</p><p> </p><p>“Woojin—”</p><p> </p><p>“Don’t be too shy. People will like you because you’re likeable and fun.”</p><p> </p><p>“Woojin—”</p><p> </p><p>“It’s better to have people around you so get to know them. Are they people your age? Or are there older people? Or younger ones?”</p><p> </p><p>“Park Woojin, stop.” Jihoon says gently.</p><p> </p><p>Only then Woojin realizes that he has been sniffling and tears are pouring down his cheeks. He’s sad, angry, regretful, disappointed—he’s feeling too much, too many and all he can do is cry.</p><p> </p><p>The other end of the line is silent but he knows that Jihoon is there listening to his sobbing.</p><p> </p><p>“Hey, I’m the one who is supposed to be the crybaby between us. Don’t easily take that title from me.” Jihoon is trying to lighten things up but the choked voice doesn’t go unnoticed by Woojin.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m sorry, Jihoon. I’m <em>so</em> sorry.” <em>For breaking up. For making you blame yourself. For making you believe that you’re less that what you really are. For not being there for you. For not being there with you. For making all the wrong decisions.</em></p><p>
  
</p><p>“Hey…” Jihoon sniffles. “That’s not what I want to hear, you know.” Woojin can hear his sad smile.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m…” Woojin wants to say a million things but he only says, “I miss you too, Jihoon. So much.”</p><p> </p><p>And the small teary laugh he hears from Jihoon tells him that the latter understands everything that he wanted to say. How he appreciates him, how he is apologetic towards him, how he also thinks about Jihoon all the time, how precious Park Jihoon actually is in his life.</p><p> </p><p>But Woojin feels the need to say it. “You’re the best thing that has ever happened to me, Jihoon. And it sucks that I only realised that after I’ve lost you.”</p><p> </p><p>Jihoon cries even harder.</p><p> </p><p>It sucks that only now they can pour their honest feelings towards each other. Only when one of them might not be alive the next morning that they tell the truth. Yeah, people can say it’s better late than never but that doesn’t stop both of them from having regrets for hurting each other for a long time. For making them regret their wrong choices.</p><p> </p><p>Only after a few minutes the sobbing slows down. Both are still sniffling but they are calmer.</p><p> </p><p>“Woojin?” Jihoon calls.</p><p> </p><p>“Yes, Jihoon.” Woojin answers.</p><p> </p><p>“Can we meet when I get out of here?”</p><p> </p><p>Woojin catches the hesitance in Jihoon’s voice which he thought it shouldn’t be there because Woojin feels the same way too.</p><p> </p><p>“Of course.” Woojin says resolutely. “I’ll wait for you.”</p><p> </p><p>“Thanks.” Jihoon is smiling again. “I’ll be out of here before you know it.”</p><p> </p><p>It gives Woojin a little comfort to hear Jihoon being determined.</p><p> </p><p>“Jihoon, even after all these years, I still—”</p><p> </p><p>“Woojin.” Jihoon cuts in. “Save it for when we meet later. I’ll hear them when I’m all better.”</p><p> </p><p>Woojin smiles. “Alright. You better not keep me waiting too long.”</p><p> </p><p>“Aye aye, captain!”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>But Woojin never did get to finish what he wanted to say. They didn’t get to meet.</p><p> </p><p>Several days later, Woojin gets the news of Jihoon’s passing from the internet. Patient 3490 died from breathing difficulties. The respirator couldn’t help him.</p><p> </p><p>Woojin cries for god-knows-how-long. He pours out all the regrets, sadness, disappointment, regrets, regrets, and <em>regrets</em>. He only gets to stop before he spills the happiness away too.</p><p> </p><p>A message from Jihoon’s brother awakens him from his daze.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>I know he still means so much to you.</em>
  <br/>
  <em>His columbarium: (Address)</em>
  <br/>
  <em>He’d be happy if you visit him.</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>He doesn’t know if he even wants to go. But he knows he must. For Jihoon. For himself.</p><p> </p><p>So here he is, standing in front of a glassed box containing a grey jar and a picture frame. A picture of Jihoon he has never seen before. Maybe it’s the most recent picture of him. He looks so beautiful and alive. And he is smiling at Woojin.</p><p> </p><p>No matter how hard he holds it, tears start to fall again.</p><p> </p><p>He misses Jihoon. Oh,<em> how much </em>he misses him.</p><p> </p><p>Woojin sticks the flower he brought on the glass together with a picture of him and Jihoon. The picture that he has always kept in his wallet as a precious memory. It is taken on their spontaneous trip to Hadong to see cherry blossoms. Even in that old picture Jihoon surpasses the beauty of the flowers.</p><p> </p><p>Jihoon has always been that. <em>Beautiful.</em></p><p>
  
</p><p>Woojin just stands there, reminiscing their memories together. Jihoon is so bright, so dazzling that every memory of them are splendid. Park Jihoon is truly a shimmering existence in Woojin’s dull life.</p><p> </p><p>And Jihoon needs to know that.</p><p> </p><p>“Thank you for every wonderful thing that has happened in my life, Jihoon.”</p><p> </p><p>And he continues what he didn’t get to finish saying before.</p><p> </p><p>“Even after all these years, I still love you.”</p><p> </p><p>“And I will always love you.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>i'm sorry. blame jia for the sad ending.</p><p>everyone, please take extra precaution. don't go out if you can. wear a mask when you go out. don't touch you face before you have washed/sanitized your hands. use hand sanitizer with 60% alcohol content or just bring soap with you so you can always wash your hands. distance yourself from others. don't go to gatherings. i know i'm nagging but please, PLEASE STAY SAFE!!</p><p>let's be friends on <a>twitter</a> or ask questions on <a>cc</a>!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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